Lessons from Caregiving, #21: It Gets Messy

(This post is part of a series. For previous posts in the series please see #1, #2., #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20)

A few months ago, our family faced a difficult decision about my husband's care. His dementia had reached "end stage" which qualified him for hospice care, but to be eligible we had to decide that we would not treat any issues that arose beyond comfort care. As we wrestled with the decision, we heavily weighed our goal of keeping him at home against the risks associated with life-extending treatments in dementia patients.

In the midst of our processing, we were given some wise advice: "From here on out, every decision gets messy." That has proven true in a direct sense, as we have wrestled with decision after decision and sometimes just looked at each other and reminded ourselves of that advice: "Either way, it's messy".

That advice has also proven true on less obvious levels. The emotional processing, The spiritual wrestling. Sometimes, just answering the question, "How are you?" can feel pretty messy. You see, from a distance you just see the lessons I've learned. The big picture with all the hues and shadows and accents. Up close, you see the mess. The tangled underside of the tapestry. When you ask, "How are you?" I get to decide how much of the mess to show you.

One reason I blog is my own "messy processing". It's my way of inviting you in to my world, to support close up instead of from a distance. I figure if you take the time to read my blog, you either really love me, or are another caregiver who found this site and is trying to find a connection.

So here's my takeaways on this lesson: I'm learning to live with messy. I'm learning to accept that I cannot choose which emotion will hit me, and when. The best I can do is identify where I am in the process of grief, and ride the wave. I'm learning to accept that sometimes the medical choices will be between bad and worse, with no option that I really like. I'm learning that wrestling with God can look like a temper tantrum on Saturday morning and a stunningly-fast turnaround with just the words I need on Saturday afternoon. I'm learning that sleep makes the mess more bearable.

Most importantly, I'm learning to anchor myself on truths outside my mess - truths about the character and heart of my God. Truths that remind me that He is FOR me, that He is good, that when He doesn't deliver from a trial, He walks with me through it. Most of all, I remind myself that He isn't just a God who is 'up there". In the Incarnation, He became a God who entered into our messy world, with all its limited options, and knows exactly what it feels like to walk out this life in a fallen world. A world He came to redeem. A world that He promises can be filled with that redemption even now, even today, even in the middle of my mess.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. - John 10:10