As Jesus Walked: Christ Revealed in the Synoptic Gospels, #2 - Birth Announcements and Responses

(This post is part of a series. For previous posts in the series please see #1.)

As I learn to live out John's exhortation to "live ... as Jesus did" I find that my view of the Gospels is being transformed. Rather than looking at these books just theologically or historically (though they are both full of theology and historically accurate), I and trying to see these Gospels through a new lens: Why did God think this story important enough to record for all time? After all, John ends his gospel with this intriguing thought: 

Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written. John 21:25 ESV

If everything Jesus did was written down, John says, the world couldn't contain it all! Even if this is hyperbole (since he says "I suppose"), the idea remains - Jesus did far, far more than what we see in all the Gospels. It's like the old hymn, "The Love of God" (Frederick M. Lehman), says: 

To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Like John and Frederick, I am constrained by limits to try to communicate all that I am learning in this study of the Synoptic Gospels. As we dig into this week's passages, I encourage you to go deeper - you will see far more than I can write here. 

Miraculous Birth Announcements - and Responses (Luke 1:5-80, Matthew 1:18-25)

(Luke 1:5-80 NASB95) In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zacharias, of the division of Abijah; and he had a wife from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. They were both righteous in the sight of God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and requirements of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and they were both advanced in years. Now it happened [that] while he was performing his priestly service before God in the [appointed] order of his division, according to the custom of the priestly office, he was chosen by lot to enter the temple of the Lord and burn incense. And the whole multitude of the people were in prayer outside at the hour of the incense offering. And an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing to the right of the altar of incense. Zacharias was troubled when he saw [the angel,] and fear gripped him. But the angel said to him, "Do not be afraid, Zacharias, for your petition has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you will give him the name John. "You will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth. "For he will be great in the sight of the Lord; and he will drink no wine or liquor, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit while yet in his mother's womb. "And he will turn many of the sons of Israel back to the Lord their God. "It is he who will go [as a forerunner] before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah, TO TURN THE HEARTS OF THE FATHERS BACK TO THE CHILDREN, and the disobedient to the attitude of the righteous, so as to make ready a people prepared for the Lord." Zacharias said to the angel, "How will I know this [for certain?] For I am an old man and my wife is advanced in years." The angel answered and said to him, "I am Gabriel, who stands in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to bring you this good news. "And behold, you shall be silent and unable to speak until the day when these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled in their proper time." The people were waiting for Zacharias, and were wondering at his delay in the temple. But when he came out, he was unable to speak to them; and they realized that he had seen a vision in the temple; and he kept making signs to them, and remained mute. When the days of his priestly service were ended, he went back home. After these days Elizabeth his wife became pregnant, and she kept herself in seclusion for five months, saying, "This is the way the Lord has dealt with me in the days when He looked [with favor] upon [me,] to take away my disgrace among men." Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the descendants of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And coming in, he said to her, "Greetings, favored one! The Lord [is] with you." But she was very perplexed at [this] statement, and kept pondering what kind of salutation this was. The angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God. "And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus. "He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end." Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, since I am a virgin?" The angel answered and said to her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God. "And behold, even your relative Elizabeth has also conceived a son in her old age; and she who was called barren is now in her sixth month. "For nothing will be impossible with God." And Mary said, "Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her. Now at this time Mary arose and went in a hurry to the hill country, to a city of Judah, and entered the house of Zacharias and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. And she cried out with a loud voice and said, "Blessed [are] you among women, and blessed [is] the fruit of your womb! "And how has it [happened] to me, that the mother of my Lord would come to me? "For behold, when the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby leaped in my womb for joy. "And blessed [is] she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord." And Mary said: "My soul exalts the Lord, And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. "For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave; For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed. "For the Mighty One has done great things for me; And holy is His name. "AND HIS MERCY IS UPON GENERATION AFTER GENERATION TOWARD THOSE WHO FEAR HIM. "He has done mighty deeds with His arm; He has scattered [those who were] proud in the thoughts of their heart. "He has brought down rulers from [their] thrones, And has exalted those who were humble. "HE HAS FILLED THE HUNGRY WITH GOOD THINGS; And sent away the rich empty-handed. "He has given help to Israel His servant, In remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers, To Abraham and his descendants forever." And Mary stayed with her about three months, and [then] returned to her home. Now the time had come for Elizabeth to give birth, and she gave birth to a son. Her neighbors and her relatives heard that the Lord had displayed His great mercy toward her; and they were rejoicing with her. And it happened that on the eighth day they came to circumcise the child, and they were going to call him Zacharias, after his father. But his mother answered and said, "No indeed; but he shall be called John." And they said to her, "There is no one among your relatives who is called by that name." And they made signs to his father, as to what he wanted him called. And he asked for a tablet and wrote as follows, "His name is John." And they were all astonished. And at once his mouth was opened and his tongue [loosed,] and he [began] to speak in praise of God. Fear came on all those living around them; and all these matters were being talked about in all the hill country of Judea. All who heard them kept them in mind, saying, "What then will this child [turn out to] be?" For the hand of the Lord was certainly with him. And his father Zacharias was filled with the Holy Spirit, and prophesied, saying: "Blessed [be] the Lord God of Israel, For He has visited us and accomplished redemption for His people, And has raised up a horn of salvation for us In the house of David His servant-- As He spoke by the mouth of His holy prophets from of old-- Salvation FROM OUR ENEMIES, And FROM THE HAND OF ALL WHO HATE US; To show mercy toward our fathers, And to remember His holy covenant, The oath which He swore to Abraham our father, To grant us that we, being rescued from the hand of our enemies, Might serve Him without fear, In holiness and righteousness before Him all our days. "And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; For you will go on BEFORE THE LORD TO PREPARE HIS WAYS; To give to His people [the] knowledge of salvation By the forgiveness of their sins, Because of the tender mercy of our God, With which the Sunrise from on high will visit us, TO SHINE UPON THOSE WHO SIT IN DARKNESS AND THE SHADOW OF DEATH, To guide our feet into the way of peace." And the child continued to grow and to become strong in spirit, and he lived in the deserts until the day of his public appearance to Israel.

(Matthew 1:18-25 NASB95) Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit. And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly. But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. "She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins." Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet: "BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL," which translated means, "GOD WITH US." And Joseph awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took [Mary] as his wife, but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son; and he called His name Jesus.

As we read the next section of the Synoptic Gospels, we see three angelic announcements and one Holy Spirit announcement related to the miraculous births of John the Baptist and Jesus. 

• Zechariah has a vision in the temple while in the holy place, receiving the first word from Lord in 400 years, and learning from the angel Gabriel that his yet-to-be-conceived son is to be the promised forerunner for the Messiah.
• Mary has a vision (at least 6 months later) and learns from the angel Gabriel that she will miraculously become pregnant with the Messiah - and that her cousin Elizabeth (Zechariah's wife) is six months pregnant. 
• Elizabeth experiences the Holy Spirit confirming the presence of the Messiah when Mary visits her. Her unborn child (John the Baptist) leaps for joy and she is filled with the Holy Spirit, immediately recognizing Mary as "the mother of my Lord."
• Joseph has a dream after Mary becomes pregnant, assuring him that the child was conceived by the Holy Spirit.  

In the responses of these individuals, we see four expressions of worship: 

• Elizabeth celebrates the presence of Jesus, pronouncing a blessing on Mary.
• Mary sings in awe of God's faithfulness toward Israel and care for the weak, as well as His intimate work in our lives. 
• Zechariah, after initially asking the wrong question and being struck mute, responds with a prophetic song of worship, connecting Jesus to the prophets and looking ahead to the work He will do. 
• Joseph doesn't say anything, but immediately gets up and follows God in obedience by moving forward with the marriage to Mary.

Lessons Learned

As noted in the previous post,  I am seeking to frame my lessons learned, the "what does it mean for me" around four questions to help my theology meet my reality: 

• What does this story teach me about Jesus and the life He gives? (1 John 1:1-2)
• How does this story about Jesus reveal God to me? (Hebrews 1:1-3)
• What does this story teach me about walking as Jesus walked, being conformed to His image? (2 Cor 3:18; 1 John 2:6)
• How does this story increase my fellowship with God and others? (1 John 1:3-4) 

What does this story teach me about Jesus and the life He gives? 

Through the various songs and prophetic words, we learn several important facts about Jesus: 

• He is great
• He is the Son of the Most High/Son of God
• He sits on the throne of David and reigns over Israel, fulfilling God's promises
• His kingdom has no end
• He will save His people from their sins
• He is Lord
• He has accomplished redemption. 
• He is the Sunrise from on high
• He is the horn of salvation sent: 
• To save us from our enemies
• To show mercy
• To remember His covenant
• To grant us the ability to serve Him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before Him.

These are all true and each one of worth studying, But when I ask myself "what does this teach me about the life He gives", one thing jumps out: He came "to grant us the ability to serve Him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before Him" (Luke 1:74-75). Another translation puts it like this; 74 "We have been rescued from our enemies so we can serve God without fear, in holiness and righteousness for as long as we live." (NLT).

With our (correct) emphasis on salvation by grace through faith, repenting and turning from our sins and toward Christ, and eternity in heaven, it is often easy to forget that Jesus didn't just come to change our lives in the future - He came to change our days in the here and now. He came so we can serve God without fear of punishment (1 John 4:18), and so that we can walk with Him in holiness and righteousness for the rest of our lives (see also 1 Peter 1:13-25). He came not to help me be a better person or to do things that look holy, but to make me holy from the inside out. He came so that His grace could teach me how to deny ungodliness and live a godly and righteous life - by grace, just as I was saved (see also Titus 2:11-14). The life He gives is a life that does what is right, flowing from a transformed heart.

How does this story about Jesus reveal God to me? 

God is intentional in reaching people. God chose Zechariah through the normal order of things. It was his division's turn, and God chose him.  God's will works through circumstances. And yet He also miraculously sent the angels with messages, and the Holy Spirit with a witness to two pregnant women. He spoke to a priest performing religious duties and to a man laying in anguish on his bed. He is intentional to reach us - and it doesn't always look the same! 

He also knows what we need to know - the truths we need to hear, the information we need to move forward. I love words and information and far too often, I think I need to know more than I do. In reading this story from Mary's viewpoint, I have to wonder why her angel didn't stick around to help explain the situation - it feels like he departed too soon. Yes, the angel departed just when Mary might have thought she needed him the most. But God had spoken. And it was enough.

What does this story teach me about walking as Jesus walked, being conformed to His image? 

Although we do not see Jesus directly at work, we see people interacting with God in deep and powerful ways that teach us what matters enough to Him to record it in Scripture. We learn from Zechariah and Elizabeth, who did the right thing despite not having a child, that refusing to put conditions on our obedience matters. We learn from the contrast of Zechariah ("How can I know?") and Mary ("How can this be/") that asking the right question matters.. We learn from Mary & Joseph that surrender to God matters. These passages help me learn that I should walk with God in obedience, trust, and surrender - even when I am confused or scared. 

How does this story increase my fellowship with God and others?

Walking with God in obedience, trust, and surrender, will inevitably cause me to cross paths with others who are learning or struggling to do the same. Nobody else could understand what these four individuals experienced.  When we see Mary & Elizabeth rejoicing together, praising God for what He did, we see two women with miraculous pregnancies drawing closer to God and each other. When we see Zechariah and Elizabeth united in naming their son John, despite "nobody in the family having that name",  we see a couple bonded together in a way that only comes when they believe God together and trust each other. When we see Joseph go and get Mary as his wife, refusing to let the fear of losing his reputation outweigh the clear word of the Lord, we see a couple drawn to each other in a way nobody could understand. Similarly, when I walk with God in obedience, trust, and surrender, I will also frequently encounter others who share parts of my journey that few can grasp. Living in openness and authenticity will allow the Holy Spirit to use my life in the lives of others, increasing fellowship with them and drawing glory to the God who redeems us all. 

As Jesus Walked: Christ Revealed in the Synoptic Gospels, #1 - Introductions and Genealogies

 

Over the past few years, as my life transitioned from caregiving for a spouse with dementia to being a widow to marrying an amazing, Gospel-centered man, my writing and Bible study has looked very different. I've been in a season of rest, recovery, and renewal - and that has been reflected in hours spent outside just hearing the voice of my Shepherd and letting His Word bring healing and hope to my heart. Throughout this season, though, my heart kept being drawn over and over to the Synoptic Gospels - Matthew, Mark, and Luke. I knew I wanted to study them in-depth, but it wasn't until He gave me a word and verse for this year that I grasped the emphasis He wanted me to have: Learning to walk as Jesus did.

As a teacher, I find that I must be a student first, and that my learning is not complete until I share it with others. And so, my goal will be to periodically share what I am learning for anyone who might wish to join me on this journey. As always, my heart is to help increase Biblical literacy by minimizing outside resources and letting Scripture speak for itself. My study presupposes the inspiration and inerrancy of Scripture; if you have broader questions about Scripture, please see my Bible 101 series.

Introduction and Genealogies (Luke 1:1-4; Matthew 1:1-17; Luke 3:23-28)

For starters, let's learn what the "synoptic" Gospels even are! "Synoptic" simply means "seeing together"; it's a word we use to say that Matthew, Mark, and Luke have a lot in common, as opposed to John which is quite distinct. Of the 161 stories in the Gospels, 25 are unique to John, and his emphasis on the deity of Christ is also notable from the first lines of his Gospel. Matthew, Mark, and Luke, by contrast, focus more on the person and work of Jesus in His humanity. While also noting His deity, they are more biographical whereas John writes with an obvious theological purpose. Matthew, Mark, and Luke were also written decades before John, which means he did not have to repeat stories that his audience would already know from other written sources. 

Biblical scholars and church historians agree that generally the letters of the New Testament were written first, with stories about Jesus being oral traditions. As more people came to believe in Christ who had not known Him personally in His earthly ministry, and as more of those eyewitnesses went to be with Him in death, a written account of His story became more essential to the church. We see this clearly in Luke's explanation of his purpose: 

Inasmuch as many have undertaken to compile an account of the things accomplished among us, just as they were handed down to us by those who from the beginning were eyewitnesses and servants of the word, it seemed fitting for me as well, having investigated everything carefully from the beginning, to write [it] out for you in consecutive order, most excellent Theophilus; so that you may know the exact truth about the things you have been taught. (Luke 1:1-4 NASB95) 

In this introduction, we learn a few crucial things about the Gospels in general, and Luke's Gospel in particular: 

• Many people were compiling accounts of what had happened in the early days of the church.
• These accounts were handed down from those who were eyewitnesses and servants of the word "from the beginning."
• Luke decided to investigate everything carefully (unsurprising for a doctor) and record it in consecutive order. (Because of Luke's intentional chronological account, his Gospel becomes the baseline for in-depth study when determining the sequence of events, at least those events recorded in Luke.)
• His purpose was that the reader would "know the exact truth" about what he had been taught. (Luke also wrote Acts, picking up where he leaves off with the ascension of Christ.)

Matthew and Luke both record genealogies of Jesus, which differ in purpose and emphasis that give us clues as to their distinct audiences and purposes in sharing the story of Jesus. Matthew opens with his genealogy "of Jesus the Messiah," indicating off the bat that his audience is Jewish (as Messiah was a Hebrew term for God's promised anointed One). His purpose seems to be to present a legal argument for Jesus to meet the requirements to be the Messiah, being a Jew ("son of Abraham") and in the Davidic line ("son of David"). 

The record of the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, the son of David, the son of Abraham: Abraham was the father of Isaac, Isaac the father of Jacob, and Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers. Judah was the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar, Perez was the father of Hezron, and Hezron the father of Ram. Ram was the father of Amminadab, Amminadab the father of Nahshon, and Nahshon the father of Salmon. Salmon was the father of Boaz by Rahab, Boaz was the father of Obed by Ruth, and Obed the father of Jesse. Jesse was the father of David the king. David was the father of Solomon by Bathsheba who had been the wife of Uriah. Solomon was the father of Rehoboam, Rehoboam the father of Abijah, and Abijah the father of Asa. Asa was the father of Jehoshaphat, Jehoshaphat the father of Joram, and Joram the father of Uzziah. Uzziah was the father of Jotham, Jotham the father of Ahaz, and Ahaz the father of Hezekiah. Hezekiah was the father of Manasseh, Manasseh the father of Amon, and Amon the father of Josiah. Josiah became the father of Jeconiah and his brothers, at the time of the deportation to Babylon. After the deportation to Babylon: Jeconiah became the father of Shealtiel, and Shealtiel the father of Zerubbabel. Zerubbabel was the father of Abihud, Abihud the father of Eliakim, and Eliakim the father of Azor. Azor was the father of Zadok, Zadok the father of Achim, and Achim the father of Eliud. Eliud was the father of Eleazar, Eleazar the father of Matthan, and Matthan the father of Jacob. Jacob was the father of Joseph the husband of Mary, by whom Jesus was born, who is called the Messiah. So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; from David to the deportation to Babylon, fourteen generations; and from the deportation to Babylon to the Messiah, fourteen generations. (Matthew 1:1-17 NASB95) 

After the opening sentence, Matthew's specific genealogy is intriguing for many reasons. First, he unexpectedly includes women in the lineage (emphasized above in red) - and women with scandalous stories at that. 

• Tamar dressed as a prostitute to seduce her former father-in-law, who had failed to uphold the law by providing a son to marry her and give her a child after the death of her husband. 
• Rahab was a Canaanite, a former prostitute who helped the Israelite spies who explored the Promised Land. 
• Ruth was a Moabite, a widow from a country forbidden to enter the temple and yet chosen by God to be King David's great-grandmother. 
• Bathsheba was David's mistress and later wife, whose son was chosen to be king after David even though he was not the oldest or next in the line of secession. 
• Mary was a virgin chosen by God to bear His Son - a story so unbelievable her fiance almost divorced her before receiving a direct word from God that she was telling the truth (but I'm getting ahead of myself here...). 

This inclusion would be shocking to many Jewish readers, not only because women were not accepted as full citizens (their testimony was not allowed for legal purposes, for example) but also because of the nature of the stories included - and perhaps even more for the fact that non-Jews were included in the lineage of their Messiah.

Secondly, Matthew leaves out some connections, selecting instead 14 key "generations" from Abraham to David, 14 from David to the deportation to Babylon, and 14 from the deportation to Jesus. Why 14? Theories abound, and you can certainly research those to your heart's content. However, to stay as closely as possible to what is revealed in Scripture, the simplest answer may simply be that these were the key ancestors in each segment of Israel's history. After all, we are talking about roughly two thousand years from Abraham to Jesus. As an American I don't know all of my family 200 years back, much less 2000 - but even in telling about the history I do know, I give the highlights on each side of the family. Readers of the Old Testament will notice most of these names jumping out as familiar from significant stories (and you can do further research by digging into each one if you are unfamiliar with those stories; just go to www.blueletterbible.com and type in the person's name to find the relevant passages). 

Thirdly, Matthew pointedly does not call Joseph the father of Jesus, but instead, the husband of Mary. He thus underscores the virgin birth, a miraculous event that was part of the Messianic promise.

While Matthew's Gospel is targeted to a Jewish audience, his opening lines signal that this is not a typical Jewish document. As we will see, Matthew often comes across as polemic in the way he challenges Jewish presuppositions and takes on the Jewish leaders of the day. He wants the Jewish people to know and follow Jesus, but he is going to be sure they know Him as He really is, not as they may have preconceived Him to be. 

Luke's genealogy, by contrast, works backward from Jesus to God.  

When He began His ministry, Jesus Himself was about thirty years of age, being, as was supposed, the son of Joseph, the son of Eli, the son of Matthat, the son of Levi, the son of Melchi, the son of Jannai, the son of Joseph, the son of Mattathias, the son of Amos, the son of Nahum, the son of Hesli, the son of Naggai, the son of Maath, the son of Mattathias, the son of Semein, the son of Josech, the son of Joda, the son of Joanan, the son of Rhesa, the son of Zerubbabel, the son of Shealtiel, the son of Neri, the son of Melchi, the son of Addi, the son of Cosam, the son of Elmadam, the son of Er, the son of Joshua, the son of Eliezer, the son of Jorim, the son of Matthat, the son of Levi, the son of Simeon, the son of Judah, the son of Joseph, the son of Jonam, the son of Eliakim, the son of Melea, the son of Menna, the son of Mattatha, the son of Nathan, the son of David, the son of Jesse, the son of Obed, the son of Boaz, the son of Salmon, the son of Nahshon, the son of Amminadab, the son of Admin, the son of Ram, the son of Hezron, the son of Perez, the son of Judah, the son of Jacob, the son of Isaac, the son of Abraham, the son of Terah, the son of Nahor, the son of Serug, the son of Reu, the son of Peleg, the son of Heber, the son of Shelah, the son of Cainan, the son of Arphaxad, the son of Shem, the son of Noah, the son of Lamech, the son of Methuselah, the son of Enoch, the son of Jared, the son of Mahalaleel, the son of Cainan, the son of Enosh, the son of Seth, the son of Adam, the son of God. (Luke 3:23-38 NASB95) 

Much has been made of the differences in the two genealogies. However, it is not that difficult to see the likelihood of one being focused on Mary and one on Joseph. Another strong possibility is that one is royal (focusing on the kings and Jesus' lineage as King of Israel) and the other physical (focusing on Him as being Son of Man as well Son of God).  Also, neither contains enough names to likely include every single ancestor, especially Luke's going all the way back to Adam! Again, there are many theories about these differences and I encourage you to study more fully if this intrigues you. 

I will note one obvious question: The existence of two different names listed for Joseph's father (Jacob in Matthew; Eli in Luke) has breeded questions around inerrancy. However, there were legitimate reasons for a man to have two fathers. The Levirate marriage laws, for example, would give a man a biological father but legally he would be the son of that man's deceased brother. It was also allowable for a man without sons to adopt a man who married his daughter to carry on the family name; this would give the man two genealogies from a legal perspective. I will not make any conclusions about the reason, but I will say that these possibilities put to rest the question of inerrancy for me. There is an explainable reason for the differences, even if I'm not close enough to the cultural situation to understand it. 

The most obvious difference in the two genealogies, however, is not hard to understand at all: Luke takes Jesus' genealogy all the way back to Adam, "the son of God." Since Luke includes Mary's divine conception of Jesus, "son of God" in His genealogy thus has a dual meaning - Adam was the "son of God" by creation, Jesus by miraculous birth (pre-existing as the son of God from eternity, of course). 

Lessons Learned

All of this is interesting historically and factually, but what does it mean? What do I learn from this that makes a difference in my life - that helps me walk as Jesus walked? I am seeking to frame my lessons learned around four questions. 

• What does this story teach me about Jesus and the life He gives? (1 John 1:1-2)
• How does this story about Jesus reveal God to me? (Hebrews 1:1-3)
• What does this story teach me about walking as Jesus walked, being conformed to His image? (2 Cor 3:18; 1 John 2:6)
• How does this story increase my fellowship with God and others? (1 John 1:3-4) 

Your answers may be different than mine, but anytime we study the Bible we must seek to ask "what does it mean for me" so that it doesn't become just words on a page. Our theology must always meet our reality.

What does this story teach me about Jesus and the life He gives? 

The introduction to Luke teaches me that the stories about Jesus are trustworthy. As a doctor, Luke would know how to be meticulous in his research. His goal of ensuring readers know "the exact truth", combined with what I know about the process of determining the canon of Scripture, lets me know that what I am about to read and study is accurate and trustworthy. 

The genealogies tell me the basic things I need to know about Jesus - like a good introduction to a biography of someone I may or may not be familiar with, I now have some foundational information. I know that Jesus is the Messiah and the Son of God, and that His ancestral lineage, like mine, is colorful in places. When He came to earth, He didn't come into a perfect family - and that is reassuring. 

How does this story about Jesus reveal God to me? 

God's heart is for everyone - not just the Jewish leaders or those who have the Law memorized perfectly. The presence of women, even Gentile women and women with "a past", is immediately heartening to me as a woman. I want to know more about a God who would choose for the Messiah to come through a line that includes a prostitute, a Moabite forbidden from the temple, and even a former mistress to a king! 

What does this story teach me about walking as Jesus walked, being conformed to His image? 

We do not see Jesus at work in these stories, but Luke's words introducing his genealogy "When He began His ministry, Jesus Himself was about thirty years of age, being, as was supposed, the son of Joseph,..." show me that He was undeterred by the "as was supposed" part of the story. He knew who He was, He knew that there was more to the story than what people in Nazareth assumed, and He lived out of the reality of who He truly was as the Son of God. Likewise, I will face times in my life where I have to lean on what I know to be true, not what others might "suppose". 

How does this story increase my fellowship with God and others?

Accepting people from different backgrounds - whether culturally or with different life experiences and struggles than me - is an extension of the heart of God who included these women in Jesus' lineage and didn't whitewash His family tree. I can live more open-handedly toward others when I remember that He knows all about me, too, and didn't write me out of His story. 

"Man at War with Man Hears Not"

For more than two decades now, I have sought to learn something new every Christmas season. A wise former missionary, now with the Lord, made that challenge during a Christmas Eve service in 1999 and I have learned so much by praying that this familiar season will be fresh to me annually. Sometimes, the "new" has been a reminder. Other times, it has brought about a major shift in how I approach the season. Many times, a song or phrase becomes the catalyst for that year's "new" thing. 

This year, listening to a Christmas worship playlist, I kept hearing a lyric in an old hymn that jumped out to me as if I'd never heard it: 

Yet with the woes of sin and strife,

The world hath suffered long;

Beneath the angel-strain have rolled,

Two thousand years of wrong;

And man, at war with man, hears not,

The love song which they bring:

O hush the noise, ye men of strife,

And hear the angels sing.

"And man, at war with man, hears not/The love song which they bring."

Am I the only one who is tired of man being at war with man? Whether wars fought with weapons or with words, whether the battleground is a war zone or a website - I'm just tired of the conflict. Sadly, Christians are not exempt. Ask any pastor how united his or her church was this year, and you will quickly get an earful. Divisions and even judging another's salvation on secondary or tertiary (or even lesser) issues has become increasingly common. 

The question that must be asked is - why? Why, in a world that has "suffered long" beneath the angel-borne Gospel cry of the Good News, does man continue to be at war with man? Edmund Sears captured the theological reason profoundly in his hymn, "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear": Because we don't hear the love song the angels bring. As Augustine write, we have "disordered loves". We worship the wrong things. 

Church, we have the most amazing story ever told. For those of us in Christ, we hold the treasure of the Gospel in these jars of clay - these imperfect and yet fully redeemed earthen vessels of our bodies. When we accept the call to salvation, we are given a call to mission, to proclaim this message. In the stations where God has us live out our lives, and in the fields of service where He asks us to meet the practical needs of others with help in one hand and hope in the other, we are to live Gospel-saturated lives. 

And yet we settle for so much less. Too often, we drown out the beautiful music of "angels, bending near the earth, to touch their harps of gold" with the noise of the world. We elevate the "good" to be the ultimate. We celebrate short-term gains at the expense of the Gospel. We face legitimate problems with natural, human solutions instead of spiritual, biblical ones. And before we know it, we find ourselves "at war with man" - sometimes even other believers, often within our own churches or our own homes. 

So this Christmas season, let's just STOP. Let's listen not to the noise of the news media or social media or people with agendas - let's listen to the voice of the angels proclaiming Emmanuel, God with us. The song singing of a King who left His throne, whose birth was heralded by lowly shepherds and wise men. The One who came to tear down dividing walls to allow us to listen, really listen, to each other.

Let's "hush the noise, and cease the strife, and hear the angels sing" - as if for the very first time. 

Aiming in the Dark

  

Recently, to celebrate our five-month wedding anniversary, my husband and I went to a local archery range. We had a lot of fun and learned a lot about the sport - but I wasn't anticipating the biggest lesson that has been working its way deep into my bones ever since. 

The photo on the left represents my best effort; the one on the right, my husband's. Not that surprising - unless you know that my husband is legally blind, and was shooting  from the same distance as me. While he could generally see the target area and the colors, he was unable to "take aim" by sighting along the arrow as I did. He's also not significantly more experienced than me. While he did do archery at the academy for the blind he attended in middle school, he hasn't fired an arrow since. I shot with my brother during his Boy Scout years. We were both essentially newbies. 

Yet I watched in amazement, hearing his solid "thuds" piercing the target while many of mine landed on the floor. I soon realized the difference: While I was focusing on lining up with the target, he was of necessity focusing on the fundamentals. He had absorbed quickly every lesson on how to hold the bow, align the arrow, position his hands, and fire. I had to be reminded multiple times of each basic lesson. 

As I processed this, a spiritual truth began to emerge: When we have times of darkness, of uncertainty, of a lack of clarity about what to do, we will have much better aim when we are solid in our fundamentals. Not every problem we face will have a "chapter and verse" answer from Scripture. Sometimes we have to take what we know to do, line up the "shot", take aim, pull back, and make the decision. Sometimes we will go in a direction and realize we are off target; the fundamentals will help us line up and try again. 

So what are these fundamentals? Certainly, they include the basic doctrines of our faith. Settling questions in times of clarity can help us hold firmly to truth in times of struggle. Those who know me know I don't shy away from these questions - and I don't think you should either. Long ago, I dealt with basic questions about the authority and inerrancy of Scripture; from there I delved into the deity and humanity of Jesus, the Trinity, the attributes of God. To be clear, I didn't have all these questions answered when I started walking with the Lord. The moment of salvation for me was the beginning of a process of knowing and understanding Him. But I did spend several years digging into these questions to settle the fundamentals. If you haven't done so, I urge you to ask the questions. My Bible 101 series is designed to help you gain confidence in God's Word so you can dig in to deeper questions like these. 

Beyond doctrine, however, there are fundamentals that should be part of our Christian walk. Daily communion with the Lord through prayer, worship, and Scripture helps to orient me. I can't even attempt to aim in the dark if I'm not facing the right direction! The dailyness of my relationship with Him keeps me heading in the right general direction, and positions me to receive from His Word general principles or specific truths relevant to my situation. Regular gathering with other believers, sitting under the preaching of a Gospel-centered pastor, keeps me from veering off to one side or the other. Those deeper relationships that develop within the body act like the instructor at our class, reminding me of the fundamentals, encouraging or correcting me as needed, and celebrating my successful aim. They can't pull the bow for me, but they can do everything possible to help me aim well. They help me know truth by which I can better discern error. 

As we grow in our relationship with the Lord, the times we feel we are "aiming in the dark" may actually increase. I am convinced this is one way that He helps us understand we are progressing with Him. Just as a parent provides a toddler much more explicit guidelines in decision-making ("you can pick this shirt or that one") than they do a teenager ("what electives do you plan to take?"), so God grows us in our ability to discern and sense His guidance. However, no matter how mature we become, we will never lose our need for the fundamentals. In fact, as our archery class taught me, the dimmer my view of the target, the more important the fundamentals become.

Older Brother Syndrome

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’  The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”     - Luke 11:25-32

I have to confess that some days, it feels like the older brother gets a bad rap. 

All older siblings (like myself) know the inherent "unfairness" associated with being our parents' guinea pig. They get to learn on us ... and mess up on us ... and get a do-over with our younger siblings. In our fallen human nature, it's hard to watch as our siblings have it "easier" than we do. (Of course, sometimes that very "ease" leads to its own problems, since God has created us in such a way that difficulties become part of what shapes us.)

I don't know about you, but I can go for weeks in my normal routine, my typical "responsible" mode, and then come up against one of those days ...

...when somebody drops the ball and it lands in my lap

...when I am "unfairly" judged for something others do all the time

...when it feels like I alone am indispensable

...when everyone else says "no", and my inner sense of responsibility pushes a reluctant "yes" out of my lips

Suddenly on those days I realize, as the words of a song I couldn't find said, "Some days I'm the prodigal/some days I'm the older brother." On my "older brother" days I realize I have more in common with the Pharisees, to whom Jesus was directing this parable and who the older brother represents, than I really want to admit. I find myself seeing the logic of the earlier workers in Jesus' parable of the vineyard workers - of course they should get paid more, having worked hard all day and not just a couple of hours! 

And then the truth hits me like a ton of bricks: I realize I am nullifying the grace of God, not living by faith but living in my own sense of right and wrong, my own strength, my own righteousness. As much as I hate to admit it, there is still some Pharisee in me to be purged out. It might not come out in the form of legalism like we see in the Gospels, but it does rear its ugly head in the form of "older brother syndrome". "I'm the responsible one, I deserve better" is just a subtle form of spiritual pride. 

Ouch! Talk about conviction! Oh, but the wonderful news, as a speaker at a conference once said, is that when we realize something is sin, we know what to do with it! Turn to Jesus in repentance, and allow His love to fill me to the point that I give of myself to others out of love instead of duty. Then walk in a lifestyle of repentance by resisting all forms of that spiritual pride that is characterized by impatience with others who are in a different place than me, by nitpicking small errors, by always having to know or be able to find the answer, by feeling that I am indispensable. Walk in grace, remembering that I could have all knowledge, but without love, I am nothing. 

You came for criminals

And every Pharisee

You came for hypocrites

Even ones like me

Thank you, Jesus. "The cross meant to kill is my victory" - even over older brother syndrome.

Obedience

After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. - Hebrews 12:4

Recently while getting ready for work I was captured by lyrics to a song I'd never heard before: 

How in the garden He persisted

I may never fully know

The fearful weight of true obedience

It was held by him alone

    ("Your Will Be Done" by CityAlight) 

I couldn't stop thinking about the truth of this fact: I'll never know the full weight of true obedience. As I sat down for my quiet time that day, Hebrews 12 immediately came to mind. I read the context and remembered afresh the truth the author is communicating: Jesus is better than what has come before. As part of that, we are called to live out our relationship with Him in specific ways - ways that can feel hard. This section (Hebrews 12:4-13) is primarily about discipline and obedience in the life of the believer. It is instructive that before getting into those exhortations that the author tells us we have not yet resisted to the point of bloodshed.

What does that even mean? In the context of verses 1-3 exhorting us to keep our eyes on Jesus and the cross He endured, the author clearly is calling us to focus on HIS sacrifice for sin. We haven't given our lives to fight against sin - but HE did. This of course refers to the cross, but also brings to mind His suffering temptations. Many wiser than me have pointed out that Christ's deity and perfection doesn't mean His temptations were weaker than ours - they were stronger. He endured every temptation to the fullest extent possible, because the temptations do not get easier as we resist, they get harder.

As I reflected on all of this, I thought of the contrasts between my obedience and His. My best obedience is imperfect and mixed with impure motives; He was perfectly obedient with perfect motives. All of my obedience is carried out in God's presence; His ultimate obedience on the cross was carried out with the Father's face turned away. All of my obedience is covered with grace; His was covered in wrath. And as Hebrews 12:4 says, all my striving against sin doesn't reach the point of bloodshed - but His did.

This life of faith is not an easy one. Don't get me wrong, there are blessings and joys and happiness and incredible benefits of intimacy with God and others that come as we walk in faith. But if we are truly committed to growing and maturing as believers, we will find ourselves constantly challenged at various points to go deeper in our faith. Sometimes that might mean we face a crisis and have to decide how to deal with it. Other times it might mean a challenging ongoing relationship. At times God reveals something in us that is not in alignment with the image of God in which He created us, and challenges us to see things differently and live accordingly. All of these are hard things.

One of my favorite scriptures is Deuteronomy 29:29, "The secret things belong to the Lord our God,but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law." My faith is inextricably connected to the fact that God has revealed things that we can seek and know, that He does not hide Himself from us but that He makes Himself known to us, often to the degree that we seek Him (though being God, he does love to surprise us when we are not even seeking Him!)

This video captures some of what I've learned about leaning into the hard things of faith and obedience. We face a challenge or an obstacle and we have to choose whether to keep going or not. We have to choose whether to model our walk on someone ahead of us or pick out our own steps and only focus on what's immediately in front of us. We have to decide if it's worth the continued climb... If HE is worth the continued climb. We have to decide whether to keep going or give up. Ultimately, we have to decide how much we can know and how much we have to just trust into His hands, trusting his character in the "secret things." I can guarantee that there'll be surprises along the way, we will slip and sometimes fall, sometimes we will become strong enough to catch ourselves before we fall and sometimes we won't. The important thing is that we are continuing to walk it out with him, getting to the place where we can look at where we've come from and know that only He brought us from there, and that He is worth it all.

I don't get it right all the time - but I am increasingly learning what it means to walk in the Gospel and prioritize relationship with Him, to love Him and others well. This imperfect believer is falling more in love with Jesus every day. As a result, I'm learning to lean in to the hard beauty of obedience - and when I do, I find myself enjoying unexpectedly beautiful views.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

he enables me to tread on the heights.

Longing

 

We, however, are free citizens of Heaven, and we are waiting with longing expectation for the coming from Heaven of a Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:20, WNT)

Wait. 

There is something in our fallen human nature that doesn't like that word. I don't know about you, but I'd rather hear "no" from God if I can't hear "yes", because "wait" feels Way. Too. Hard. 

I've written about waiting before on here, in a different context. I still believe there is much to be learned in general while we are waiting on answered prayers, or guidance, or any number of waitings in life. But these days, I've been walking through this more personally, as I am doing plenty of waiting in light of our upcoming wedding - waiting on wedding appointments, waiting on the day to get here, waiting to experience biblical oneness, waiting on the day we begin our lives together and no longer say goodnight from separate residences. I am learning anew that waiting really is hard! My fiance and I have intentionally chosen to use the phrase "eagerly anticipating" rather than "can't wait" - we want the reminder that this is a positive process, and that we can wait in His strength. But it's still hard. 

As Rich Mullins wrote in "The Love of God" - we are tested and made worthy during life's challenges, but it is all within the love of God. As my fiance and I have intentionally leaned in to the benefits of waiting, we have learned so many things. We have learned that God speaks to us in the longing. We have seen ministry opportunities open up specifically because we were obedient in the waiting. We have learned that it is our flesh that wants to avoid the pain of waiting - just as we tend to want to avoid any suffering - but to avoid suffering means we also avoid the growth. We avoid the very thing that can draw us closer to Him. 

As I have leaned into the hard and studied God's word about waiting, I have learned how deeply connected it is to longing. When we "expect something fully", we wait for it with longing. When my parents lived hours away and would come visit, I would hear every door that slammed, every car that drove by, and run to see if it was them. I longed to see them and fully expected them to show up. In the same way, I "fully expect" to walk down the aisle less than a month from now and take covenant vows in front of our covenant community with my groom-to-be. We know this will happen - and yet we long for the arrival of that day. 

As I studied the words for waiting in both the Hebrew Old Testament and Greek New Testament, I was astonished to learn how deeply these words capture the emotions associated with this season of waiting: 

• To fix the eyes and mind on a thing; to "hunt" for it
• To be strong, robust, gathered and bound together
• To wait with patience and trust
• To give unremitting care
• To show one's self courageous
• To be in constant readiness for something
• To expect fully
• To not depart
• To be pained
• To receive to oneself, admit, give access to oneself

All of this boils down to one thing for me: Biblical waiting is inextricably linked to longing. Simply put, we wait with longing for what is worth waiting on. As we have focused on our upcoming marriage as a picture of Christ and the church, we are learning that wrapped up in our waiting is a picture of the longing the church should have for her Groom. We should wait "with longing expectation" because He is worth it. As we wait, we have been drawn closer into His presence - and we're learning that is indeed the point after all.

 

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Blindsided

Anyone close to me knows that near the top of the list of things that I don't appreciate is being blindsided. Unlike some who prefer to know as little as possible until they have to face something, I can handle just about anything if I have a little heads up and time to process, if we can talk about it, if I know it's coming. I want more information, not less. Unfortunately, life doesn't always cooperate with my preferences. 

Most of the time, my good, good Father prepares my heart for hard things. He whispers ahead of time so I'm not blindsided. He gently guides me toward hard directions. He gives me His peace before, during, and after the storms of life. 

Yet there have been times I have been left reeling - from unexpected phone calls that brought tragic news; from a diagnosis that changed everything; from memories that felt like gut-punches; from shocking facts about people that I had trusted; from the realities of life. I know you have as well. But I have come to realize that there are plenty of good ways that I have been blindsided as well. 

I have been blindsided by grace. God's unmerited favor broke through my defenses, tore down my arguments, and embraced me with His love. I wasn't seeking Him, but He came looking for me. It wasn't logical, and it wasn't fair. I call it "weird grace." One of my favorite songs says, "He's not fair, no He's not fair, when He fixes what's beyond repair, and graces every one who don't deserve." The undeserved nature of grace is the very definition of weird, and the most beautiful way I have been blindsided. 

I have been blindsided by mercy. When I was struggling the most, when my faith was limited to just holding on to John 6:68 and getting through the day with Jesus, He never judged me or condemned me. Quite the opposite. His mercy met me where I was, triumphing over the lies of the enemy that screamed at me that my faith was weak. He gave me His Word that told me no, just holding on to Jesus when it doesn't make sense is the victory. 

I have been blindsided by love. When I have struggled the most with sin and simple human frailty, I have felt His love the closest. I have never once sought forgiveness without feeling His arms of love surround me. When I wasn't looking, He brought love near to me and gave me hope for the future. He has pursued me and, "every time I wrestle with His promises He wins my heart all over again." 

I don't think I will ever stop preferring not to be blindsided. But in this new season of life, as I learn to trust that there can be "good surprises," I want to also remember that I have been blindsided in good ways as well. I never want to get over being in relationship with a God who delights to surprise me with grace, mercy, love, and so much more. 

Unseen Miracles

Job 26:14 "And these are but the outer fringe of his works; how faint the whisper we hear of him! Who then can understand the thunder of his power?"

I had a bit of a crisis of faith this week.

We had an amazing testimony at church, a story of miraculous healing from stage 4 cancer. I fully believe that God does miracles, and hearing their story in a season of grief was a timely reminder of that truth. But when I went up afterwards to thank one of the speakers, I started crying. I knew that my soul needed reminding of visible miracles, but I was still struggling on a level I didn't even realize with confusion, hurt, and even anger at not getting a visible miracle with my husband's dementia. In fact, it felt like the harder I prayed, the worse things got!

I had a bit of a crisis of faith. Yet as I continued to pray and seek God, I sensed Him calling me to write down some unseen miracles, some of the things that were amazing to our family as we walked through that dementia journey. Here are just a few of them:

• Restoration of relationships
• Unity among me and his kids over every decision
• God took away my resentment and helped me to respond in love even when I was exhausted
• God gradually changed my heart to trust and not fear his death
• God perfectly timed the caregivers that were brought to us to be exactly the personality traits that we needed during that time
• Bob never lost his faith or dishonored God, and grew to love the church in a deep way.
• He remained a worshiper to the very end and the redemption God had done in his life, from a very broken and wounded person with a lot of regrets to someone who just loved Jesus with all that he had, was visible.
• God perfectly timed bringing in hospice to help us when we needed it most.
• We were able to keep him at home which nobody thought we could do at diagnosis.
• We had so much support from our church and my job. Even friends that were just acquaintances before became really close through this process as they walked with us.
• As hard as it was to lose him two and a half weeks before Christmas, I could see God's hand in it because I was able to have an extended time off to catch up on rest before I had to start back to work. Additionally, the money for caregivers was running out and God knew that was a concern of mine. And, as much as I'd love to have him here right now, I'm glad that we're not having to do dementia caregiving in the Covid world.

These are just a few of the unseen miracles of our caregiving journey. As I  processed this week, I've thought about where I am in life right now. I'm in a season of prioritizing being, of learning to be present, of going slow. Of prioritizing those invisible traits that God cares about deeply, like joy and gratitude and love and faith. For example, I'm responsible for the care of my parents. God makes it very clear in 1 Timothy 5:4 that taking care of parents is our first responsibility when they are older. But, I can do that responsibility grudgingly, with resentment, sparingly. Or I can do it willingly, with joy, generously. 

I really think that part of the second greatest commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves is learning to recognize the unseen miracles that we need to pray for. I think of Joni Eareckson Tada, one of my sheroes of the faith who is a quadriplegic. For 50 years now, she's dealt with people who want to pray for her healing. I read in one of her books that she said she had finally learned how to respond. She says "yes, please pray for my healing. Pray that I would be healed from bitterness, from laziness". She's learned to prioritize the unseen miracles.

I love this passage in Job, where we hear about a lot of God's visible miracles, and then we are told that these are only the fringes of his ways. They're just the beginning of what he does. 

I want to rejoice at every healing from stage 4 cancer, every healing from paralysis, every person set free from drug addiction. But I also want to share and hear about unseen miracles. Those things that are sometimes only between us and the Lord, or between the people closest to the situation. I don't ever want to discount them. I want to know more about His ways.

Around the Bend

I’m not much on speaking publicly. I don’t think well on the fly; I prefer time to weigh my words and to process internally before putting pen to paper. Most of the posts on this blog over the years existed in my head for days or even weeks before I sat down and put them in writing.

But I’m in a different season now, a season of healing as I walk through this grief process since my husband passed away. And part of that for me, as it is for anyone who loses a spouse, is facing the question of identity. Who am I as an “I”, not a “we”? I don’t mean the core of my identity in Christ. I know that hasn’t changed. And I don’t mean to imply in any way that I was subsumed into my husband’s identity in any unhealthy way. It’s just that in the reality of becoming one, after being married long enough, it becomes hard to tell where you end and the other person begins. You forget who first suggested going to that specific Mexican restaurant.You forget why exactly someone thought it was so important for the kitchen table to be in the bay window instead of in the kitchen. That and thousands of other examples are faced not only by me but by every single person who loses as a spouse. Like no other loss, we literally bury part of ourselves the day our partner dies.

So this identity discovery portion of my grief journey has been especially daunting to me. I spent four months in anxiety, if not outright fear, about the day that I would wake up and no longer feel married. I felt lost, like he had gone on this incredible journey and I was just staring up waiting for him to come back. I didn’t know how to get past that point, despite continuing to live my life and move forward as best I could.

Then came Easter weekend. I found myself watching a biography of a Christian musician whose music has ministered to me many times. As I worshiped and prayed with the music in the documentary, I began to experience what only God can do. He began to release that anxiety and fear about identity from me. He began to remind me that there is a core of who I am, not just in Him but who I am as He created me, that has not been lost. The next day on a walk, He continued to speak truth to me, and reminded me that Bob is now part of the great cloud of witnesses Hebrews 12:1 speaks about. But he hasn’t left me here doing nothing; in fact Bob is the one who is now at rest while I continue my race. In the two weeks since, I have felt such peace, and I felt myself moving into more of a healing phase of the grief. Not that the missing him and the sadness or the loneliness is all gone. I’m sure that that will continue at some level for a very long time, and I’m sure that part of me will miss part of him for the rest of my life. But I no longer feel anxious about moving forward, or scared about my identity, or lost. I’ve even started having a sense of anticipation about things that might be different, not only different from what Bob and I experienced together but different for me.

So yesterday, as I took my parents on our weekly drive to find something nice to look at that meets social distancing requirements, I found myself looking down a lane on a dirt road at the edge  of the Ozark National Forest. And somehow, this girl that doesn’t like public speaking and prefers time to put her words together, found herself turning on the camera and recording my first ever video blog. And you know what? It was even a little fun. I hope it blesses you and encourages you as the Holy Spirit leads you in your own journey