Obedience

After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. - Hebrews 12:4

Recently while getting ready for work I was captured by lyrics to a song I'd never heard before: 

How in the garden He persisted

I may never fully know

The fearful weight of true obedience

It was held by him alone

    ("Your Will Be Done" by CityAlight) 

I couldn't stop thinking about the truth of this fact: I'll never know the full weight of true obedience. As I sat down for my quiet time that day, Hebrews 12 immediately came to mind. I read the context and remembered afresh the truth the author is communicating: Jesus is better than what has come before. As part of that, we are called to live out our relationship with Him in specific ways - ways that can feel hard. This section (Hebrews 12:4-13) is primarily about discipline and obedience in the life of the believer. It is instructive that before getting into those exhortations that the author tells us we have not yet resisted to the point of bloodshed.

What does that even mean? In the context of verses 1-3 exhorting us to keep our eyes on Jesus and the cross He endured, the author clearly is calling us to focus on HIS sacrifice for sin. We haven't given our lives to fight against sin - but HE did. This of course refers to the cross, but also brings to mind His suffering temptations. Many wiser than me have pointed out that Christ's deity and perfection doesn't mean His temptations were weaker than ours - they were stronger. He endured every temptation to the fullest extent possible, because the temptations do not get easier as we resist, they get harder.

As I reflected on all of this, I thought of the contrasts between my obedience and His. My best obedience is imperfect and mixed with impure motives; He was perfectly obedient with perfect motives. All of my obedience is carried out in God's presence; His ultimate obedience on the cross was carried out with the Father's face turned away. All of my obedience is covered with grace; His was covered in wrath. And as Hebrews 12:4 says, all my striving against sin doesn't reach the point of bloodshed - but His did.

This life of faith is not an easy one. Don't get me wrong, there are blessings and joys and happiness and incredible benefits of intimacy with God and others that come as we walk in faith. But if we are truly committed to growing and maturing as believers, we will find ourselves constantly challenged at various points to go deeper in our faith. Sometimes that might mean we face a crisis and have to decide how to deal with it. Other times it might mean a challenging ongoing relationship. At times God reveals something in us that is not in alignment with the image of God in which He created us, and challenges us to see things differently and live accordingly. All of these are hard things.

One of my favorite scriptures is Deuteronomy 29:29, "The secret things belong to the Lord our God,but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law." My faith is inextricably connected to the fact that God has revealed things that we can seek and know, that He does not hide Himself from us but that He makes Himself known to us, often to the degree that we seek Him (though being God, he does love to surprise us when we are not even seeking Him!)

This video captures some of what I've learned about leaning into the hard things of faith and obedience. We face a challenge or an obstacle and we have to choose whether to keep going or not. We have to choose whether to model our walk on someone ahead of us or pick out our own steps and only focus on what's immediately in front of us. We have to decide if it's worth the continued climb... If HE is worth the continued climb. We have to decide whether to keep going or give up. Ultimately, we have to decide how much we can know and how much we have to just trust into His hands, trusting his character in the "secret things." I can guarantee that there'll be surprises along the way, we will slip and sometimes fall, sometimes we will become strong enough to catch ourselves before we fall and sometimes we won't. The important thing is that we are continuing to walk it out with him, getting to the place where we can look at where we've come from and know that only He brought us from there, and that He is worth it all.

I don't get it right all the time - but I am increasingly learning what it means to walk in the Gospel and prioritize relationship with Him, to love Him and others well. This imperfect believer is falling more in love with Jesus every day. As a result, I'm learning to lean in to the hard beauty of obedience - and when I do, I find myself enjoying unexpectedly beautiful views.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

he enables me to tread on the heights.

Lessons from Caregiving #2: The Power of the Spirit

Therefore we do not despair, but even if our physical body is wearing away, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary, light suffering is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison because we are not looking at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen. For what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NET 

(This post is part of a series. For previous posts in the series please see #1.)

One of the most powerful lessons I am learning is the incredible power of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer.

One of the ways that this disease has affected my sweet husband the most is by making him much less verbal, unable to think of words or express words he is thinking of. Depending on the day, he may or may not be confused about what he is hearing as well. It's easy for me to despair, thinking that this disease is stealing so much of what I have loved for the past 24 years.

But when I look past the temporary, I see the truth of Paul's words to the Corinthians. My husband's inner person is being renewed daily by the Holy Spirit. I see it when he maintains his quiet time habit, even when he doesn't understand the words he is reading. I see it when he tears up or outright weeps at worship songs, when he is having a silent day but starts randomly singing "I'll Fly Away" or joining in with our music. Even when he lacks the words to pray, I see it when he makes the effort, and Paul's words to the Romans take on new meaning:

Romans 8:26-27 NET (26) In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how we should pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings. (27) And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes on behalf of the saints according to God's will.

As I struggled through a season of prayers that seemed unanswered and weeks when I didn't hear from the Lord, I watched him continue to love Jesus with the simple faith that has always been so powerful to me. Gradually my prayers shifted. Instead of praying for a specific outcome, I started praying for his spiritual life. I started praying for him to continue to hear Christ's voice, for him to bring honor to Jesus in this season, and so much more. I grabbed Scriptures that drew my attention to the eternal, and I pray them daily.

In the process, I learned a powerful truth. Dementia can steal a lot of things, but it can't steal his faith. Jesus meant it when He promised that nothing can separate us from God's love or take us out of His hands when we belong to Him. The cross truly has the final word.

John 10:27-30 NLT (27) "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. (28) I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, (29) for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father's hand. (30) The Father and I are one."

Romans 8:38-39 NLT - (38) And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. (39) No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Knowing

So Jesus said to the twelve, "You don't want to go away too, do you?" Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God!" (John 6:67-69)

I live in a part of the country that experiences almost every type of weather, including short-lived summer storms and the longer-lasting spring and fall variety. I've lived long enough to know that rarely do storms that last a long time leave quickly. Usually, the clouds gather for a while, they stick around, and then take their time moving out. There is a time, though, when you can tell the worst is over and the clearing has begun.

I'm just emerging from a couple of storm-tossed years. The sun has started peeking through increasingly, and I sense that the stormy transition is settling in to the daily reality of a new season. 

During the worst moments of this storm, I've lived a number of what I called "John 6:68 days". For far too long than I ever want to experience again, I lived through days where every single thing I did felt like a "should". I was depressed, but I had to keep going, so I kept doing all the "right things" with no heart in it. I prayed, but didn't feel God's presence. I read His Word, but didn't hear His voice. I served, but didn't readily notice His strength. I was going through the motions. 

On the worst of those days, I was tempted to want a different option. The cost of discipleship felt too great. His sovereignty was something I believed, but struggled with. I was being wrecked, and I hated it. I never doubted Him, but I couldn't feel Him. Hope wasn't a reality, just something I knew had to be out there somewhere.

But I kept coming back to the truth Peter proclaimed: There was nowhere else to turn. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I preferred to be in the storm with Jesus, rather than out of the storm without Him. I was often mad about the storm, but I knew there was no better option out there. As I wrote at the time: 

But the words of eternal life? The heart of my faith, the Gospel of Jesus Christ crucified, buried, and resurrected, saving me forever? That one keeps me coming back to the throne room day after day, sometimes crawling in tears, other times celebrating, still other days just gritting my teeth and doing it because it's on my list.

And what I am learning is that even on the days that the basics of the Gospel are all I can hold on to, when I just go to Jesus because it's either Him or nothing - that is still victory. Don't take my word for it. Listen to the Apostle John: "For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." - 1 John 5:4 ESV

But oh, joy of joys, today I realized something precious. As I worshipped in church like I have almost every Sunday through this storm, I realized that the "where else could I turn" faith had shifted back to a "knowing" faith - a knowing that God is in control and working all things for good. A knowing that He is sovereign AND good, and that I can trust Him utterly. This "knowing" didn't happen in a moment, nor is it new. But being aware that it is there, and has been all along, was a beautiful gift today. 

My pastor went on to preach about the importance of having a foundation in the Word of God. As I listened I thought about my 20 years with Him up to this point and all the foundation we have laid together. Day after day in the Word. Worship song after worship song in the background. Church service after church service. Book after book. 

Today as we sang, "Never let go", the lines jumped out to me: "Even though I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life//I won't turn back I know You are near". One of the most tender moments I've ever had with God was when He taught me how I'm literally carried by His grace and mercy. Today, as I thought through the past couple of years, I thought of this lesson in a new light. Acts 27:17 tells of Paul's journey to Rome and the scary storm onboard the ship that caused them to consider turning back.

(Acts 27:17) After they had hoisted it up, they used supporting cables [literally = helps] in undergirding the ship; and fearing that they might run aground on the shallows of Syrtis, they let down the sea anchor and in this way let themselves be driven along.

What I realized is that the ship had to have these supporting cables already in place. The ability to stay in the storm and not turn back was dependent on having the right equipment - the right foundation, if you will. 

God often gives new believers a precious gift, and I was no exception. He often provides a season of deliverance, joy, and victory. Much like the foundation we lay for our children in the preschool and early elementary years, this time provides a place to learn trust for the future when the lessons are more challenging. As seasoned believers, one of the best things we can do for new followers of Christ is to help them build that foundation for when they will need it most. If you are a new believer, or maybe one who hasn't spent the time on the foundation, I encourage you to start today! Find a church and be consistent (spoiler alert, it won't be perfect. Don't let that stop you.) Read the Bible daily. Attend a Bible study. Put on worship music every chance you get. The storms will come. Build the knowing in now, for the time when you might feel like giving up is coming.